Jailbreak this fucker.
My mom decides not to text me back when I wanna go somewhere. Apparently, she’s too busy.
She’s a cook at a fast-food place.
I ask out the girl of my dreams and she says that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
I think that’s just another way of saying that she doesn’t like me.
I tell you what Dave, you find a way to give her back her self respect and the leg is yours.
Joan: If God had a name, what would it be?
Joan: And would you call it to his face?
Me: Yes, but behind his back I’d call him Gwyneth.
Joan: If you were faced with him in all his glory, what would you ask if you had just one question?
Me: Why do phone…
This made me laugh.